I'm Fat: An Origin Story

How to be comfortable in your new phase of life.

At the height of my corporate career I drank 3 medium vanilla cappuccinos a day and wore a size 0. After five years I'm not afraid of saying "I'm a size 12" out loud. This origin story starts off a year after unemployment upon graduating college. Eager to start my career, I worked for free and got paid for a position I had no idea how to perform.



Welcome to the retail life

I worked 60 hours a week for three years then I had the worst mental breakdown of my life.

I never worked in retail and thought overworking would get me recognition from my supervisors. Then I got laid off.


I kept organizing at home when unemployed to the point I got migraines with nausea and vomiting, I was treating my home as inventory and couldn't stop until it was perfect. I would have a pain attack twice a day and was afraid of driving, the more reason to stay at home and organize.


Why am I talking about my skinny stories?


A person is not fat, a person is having a life change when he or she has a drastic change in weight; at this moment I was deciding on the next steps for my career. I gained this retail experience, but graduated with a journalism degree and didn't have enough internships to prove my worth.


My favorite part of retail was looking at sales and changing the sales floor, maybe visual merchandising was for me. After manny anxious and depressing months I found a job and my career started rolling.



I was able to perform my visual merchandising with freedom of expression; nevertheless, the anxiety didn't go away and I still experienced panic attacks. Afraid of getting a migraine because I wouldn't eat, my goal was to eat every time I was hungry to avoid my biggest fear. I kept gaining weight, still felt anxious, and was insecure at all times.


I kept comparing myself to the college Facebook life of "friends" and hoping one day I would fit into my size 0 jeans. Then, I got laid off once again and my life froze. I didn't know why, at my 27 years of age, I didn't have a full-time with benefits. The unemployment train started again with many interviews and even more rejections.


That was a month ago...


Today I am feeling confident in my self and my content took a turn. I was confident in my writing, concepts, and decisions. I was feeling happier and my mood was getting better. I would randomly want to drink four bottles of water, or want to jog because I had so much adrenaline. These bursts made me realize something: I felt comfortable in my own skin.



I'm at my heaviest, a size 12, and am eager to take concrete steps to push my brand. My weight kept fluctuating because fear overtook my mental stability. Now, I am taking healthier steps to stabilize my anxiety whether that is walking around and meeting new people in my neighborhood or petting Goldie on the steps outside my home.


I am not fat, I am a person experience anxiety and gaining weight was a symptom.


Was my title clickbait?


...


How else was I supposed to make you read two minutes of my life!




#JustForSarah

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© 2020 by Sarah Mariana